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A Christmas Crisis (for Crisis at Christmas)

by Liam McKenna and friends

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1.
Turkeys 03:18
Every year you say the turkey's dry It's tough enough to make a boxer cry But you swear it's a tradition It's on your Christmas list But the turkeys didn't vote for this. You could have got a job plucking turkeys on a farm You could have lived the dream chasing them round the yard And you could have wringed their necks And drunk the blood fresh from the stumps Well it never did us any harm You swear it's a tradition We respect your dying wish But the turkeys didn't vote for this The turkeys didn't vote for this There's 13 million turkeys in this country at a guess Another 3 million if you include those who voted Lib Dem 16 million turkeys who've been told to blame the chickens And they'd go and do it all again They'd go and do it all again But one day those turkeys will see through you One day those turkeys will see through the gobbledygook One day those turkeys will come for you One day those turkeys will see the farm for what it is Because the turkeys didn't vote for this The turkeys didn't vote for this And when the turkeys realise that they don't bleed blue The turkeys are gonna come for you When the turkeys realise that they don't bleed blue The turkeys are gonna come for you The turkeys will come for you The turkeys will come for you The turkeys will come for you etc But one day
2.
Hello my name is boris and heres my christmas list I'm just a little puppy So wont you grant my wish My christmas list is all I ask, please make my dreams come true I'm not asking much so please feed me some catfood I want cat food for my breakfast and cat food for my lunch Catfod for my dinner dont you skip my brunch I want catfood in my cracker and catfood on my face catfood wrapped up nicely I shall plead my case Here's my Christmas list I'm just a little puppy So wont you grant my wish Catfood for my presents catfood in my stocking catfood for the queens speech just keep the catfood coming open up a factory just for me on Christmas day just a warehouse full of catfood there is no other way I want catfood for Christmas Don’t make me beg
3.
Linda do you recall we used to hang stockings on the wall Over the fireplace But then one year when santa came to call The stockings were especially flammable It was my mistake, I’d bought em off my mate Dave From that dodgy market place Linda did you get me post? I sent you a copy of my horoscope It said things were changing this year Yours said the same In fact they all said very similar things in different ways Linda do you remember You used to read our palms every December You’d guess what we want By stopping on the right page of the Argos catalogue If you could read my palm this year You’d know I want some festive cheer Home is not the same without you Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas? Santa won’t you mend my broken heart? Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas I promise I won’t touch your tarot cards Linda I’ve got that tingly feeling Like when you’ve been doing some reiki healing or when that bloke fell through the ceiling And broke my neck? This year the only thing that needs mending Is the heart that I am sending To the woman I am lending my love to Just to clarify Linda I’m not sending you an actual heart in the post like I did last year. I’m sorry about that, it was a case of miscommunication. Plus this year the butcher was sold out. Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas Santa won’t you mend my broken heart? Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas? I promise I won’t touch your tarot cards
4.
5.
Mincemeat 02:49
Merry christmas We’re going to change Oh yeah We’re going green, we’re gonna reduce our waste Oh yeah Merry Christmas I bought a re=usable sponge Oh yeah Merry Christmas You’ll only use it the once Oh yeah Merry Christmas Good tidings we bring Oh yeah Good tidings to you and your king Oh yeah We brought you a gift Oh yeah It’s wrapped in compostable packaging Oh yeah Merry Christmas Enjoy our little treat A giant missile to bomb the middle east Oh yeah Merry Christmas we’re still drilling for oil Oh yeah Merry Christmas this is American soil Oh yeah Merry Christmas, I hope you agree Oh yeah It hasn’t snowed here in the last century Oh yeah This is a mass extinction Oh yeah Merry Christmas We haven’t got time Oh yeah Merry Christmas God on our side Oh yeah We’ve got amazon prime Oh yeah Merry Christmas, merry Christmas oh yeah! Oh yeah Mitsubishis got a warehouse of tuna Oh yeah Merry Christmas It’s more than a rumour Oh yeah In 20 years there’ll be no fish in the sea Oh yeah In 20 years we plan to plant some more trees Oh yeah In 20 years We’ll think about the cost of it all Oh yeah In 20 years we’ll be carbon neutral Oh yeah merry Christmas lalalalala Oh yeah
6.
7.
8.
Plans, we all had plans But the thing about plans is they don't always go to plan Things, we get so caught up with things But the thing about things is we can always get more things And time, we've always got time But the thing about time is we're convinced we don't have enough of it And days, we all have bad days Days come and go like the tide Or like a forklift carrying away a dead whale from a beach And Whales. the thing about whales is that they normally stick to the sea But things have changed And now all I've got is a beached whale for Christmas
9.
It's the highlight of the year Everything rests on this big day You even bought a suit You've got to look your best when presenting a raffle There'll be no prizes for the children this year No sausages pinned to rosettes No meaty prizes for the children this year No meaty prizes for the kids Oh woah oh The turkey bingo's been postponed Oh woah Until further notice The turkeys have no where to go The chickens need to be rehomed The pigs are sitting all alone No blankets for them this year There'll be no meaty prizes for the children this year No sausages pinned to rosettes No meaty prizes for the children this year No meaty prizes for the kids Oh woah oh The turkey bingo's been postponed Oh woah the turkey bingo's been postponed oh woah the turkey bingo's been postponed until further notice

about

This is a charity album being put together in aid of Crisis at Christmas. To make a donation, please go to this link: www.justgiving.com/fundraising/mcchristmasalbum

Let's eliminate homelessness one song at a time. (Or, ideally, overnight, which, let's face it, the government could do if they wanted to.)

credits

released December 14, 2020

Liam McKenna
Boris the Dog
Polly Preston
Derek Reynolds
Declan McKenna
Dusty Cut/Phil Jones

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about

Liam McKenna Wales, UK

Writer/performer/musician. Co-founder of the mighty and unstoppable force of Fire Donkey

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