1. |
Turkeys
03:18
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Every year you say the turkey's dry
It's tough enough to make a boxer cry
But you swear it's a tradition
It's on your Christmas list
But the turkeys didn't vote for this.
You could have got a job plucking turkeys on a farm
You could have lived the dream
chasing them round the yard
And you could have wringed their necks
And drunk the blood fresh from the stumps
Well it never did us any harm
You swear it's a tradition
We respect your dying wish
But the turkeys didn't vote for this
The turkeys didn't vote for this
There's 13 million turkeys in this country at a guess
Another 3 million if you include those who voted Lib Dem
16 million turkeys who've been told to blame the chickens
And they'd go and do it all again
They'd go and do it all again
But one day those turkeys will see through you
One day those turkeys will see through the gobbledygook
One day those turkeys will come for you
One day those turkeys will see the farm for what it is
Because the turkeys didn't vote for this
The turkeys didn't vote for this
And when the turkeys realise that they don't bleed blue
The turkeys are gonna come for you
When the turkeys realise that they don't bleed blue
The turkeys are gonna come for you
The turkeys will come for you
The turkeys will come for you
The turkeys will come for you
etc
But one day
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2. |
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Hello my name is boris
and heres my christmas list
I'm just a little puppy
So wont you grant my wish
My christmas list is all I ask,
please make my dreams come true
I'm not asking much
so please feed me some catfood
I want cat food for my breakfast
and cat food for my lunch
Catfod for my dinner
dont you skip my brunch I want
catfood in my cracker
and catfood on my face
catfood wrapped up nicely
I shall plead my case
Here's my Christmas list
I'm just a little puppy
So wont you grant my wish
Catfood for my presents
catfood in my stocking
catfood for the queens speech
just keep the catfood coming
open up a factory
just for me on Christmas day
just a warehouse full of catfood
there is no other way
I want catfood for Christmas
Don’t make me beg
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3. |
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Linda do you recall we used to hang stockings on the wall
Over the fireplace
But then one year when santa came to call
The stockings were especially flammable
It was my mistake, I’d bought em off my mate Dave
From that dodgy market place
Linda did you get me post?
I sent you a copy of my horoscope
It said things were changing this year
Yours said the same
In fact they all said very similar things in different ways
Linda do you remember
You used to read our palms every December
You’d guess what we want
By stopping on the right page of the Argos catalogue
If you could read my palm this year
You’d know I want some festive cheer
Home is not the same without you
Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas?
Santa won’t you mend my broken heart?
Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas
I promise I won’t touch your tarot cards
Linda I’ve got that tingly feeling
Like when you’ve been doing some reiki healing
or when that bloke fell through the ceiling
And broke my neck?
This year the only thing that needs mending
Is the heart that I am sending
To the woman I am lending my love to
Just to clarify Linda I’m not sending you an actual heart in the post like I did last year. I’m sorry about that, it was a case of miscommunication. Plus this year the butcher was sold out.
Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas
Santa won’t you mend my broken heart?
Linda won’t you take me back this Christmas?
I promise I won’t touch your tarot cards
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4. |
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5. |
Mincemeat
02:49
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Merry christmas
We’re going to change
Oh yeah
We’re going green, we’re gonna reduce our waste
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
I bought a re=usable sponge
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
You’ll only use it the once
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
Good tidings we bring
Oh yeah
Good tidings to you and your king
Oh yeah
We brought you a gift
Oh yeah
It’s wrapped in compostable packaging
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
Enjoy our little treat
A giant missile to bomb the middle east
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas we’re still drilling for oil
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas this is American soil
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas, I hope you agree
Oh yeah
It hasn’t snowed here in the last century
Oh yeah
This is a mass extinction
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
We haven’t got time
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
God on our side
Oh yeah
We’ve got amazon prime
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas oh yeah!
Oh yeah
Mitsubishis got a warehouse of tuna
Oh yeah
Merry Christmas
It’s more than a rumour
Oh yeah
In 20 years there’ll be no fish in the sea
Oh yeah
In 20 years we plan to plant some more trees
Oh yeah
In 20 years
We’ll think about the cost of it all
Oh yeah
In 20 years we’ll be carbon neutral
Oh yeah merry Christmas
lalalalala
Oh yeah
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6. |
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7. |
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8. |
A Beached Whale
03:11
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Plans, we all had plans
But the thing about plans is they don't always go to plan
Things, we get so caught up with things
But the thing about things is we can always get more things
And time, we've always got time
But the thing about time is we're convinced we don't have enough of it
And days, we all have bad days
Days come and go like the tide
Or like a forklift carrying away a dead whale from a beach
And Whales. the thing about whales is that they normally stick to the sea
But things have changed
And now all I've got is a beached whale for Christmas
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9. |
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It's the highlight of the year
Everything rests on this big day
You even bought a suit
You've got to look your best when presenting a raffle
There'll be no prizes for the children this year
No sausages pinned to rosettes
No meaty prizes for the children this year
No meaty prizes for the kids
Oh woah oh
The turkey bingo's been postponed
Oh woah
Until further notice
The turkeys have no where to go
The chickens need to be rehomed
The pigs are sitting all alone
No blankets for them this year
There'll be no meaty prizes for the children this year
No sausages pinned to rosettes
No meaty prizes for the children this year
No meaty prizes for the kids
Oh woah oh
The turkey bingo's been postponed
Oh woah
the turkey bingo's been postponed
oh woah
the turkey bingo's been postponed
until further notice
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Liam McKenna Wales, UK
Writer/performer/musician. Co-founder of the mighty and unstoppable force of Fire Donkey
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